Girl Behind the Mirror: Part 2

I'm sharing my pageant story for the first time on the blog! If you're just joining in, catch up by reading
 Part 1 here.  All of this will be included in an upcoming writing project, so your comments and thoughts are absolutely welcome; I'd love to hear your response! Enjoy Part 2! 
Somewhere amidst the interview prep, gowns, hair styling and coaching sessions, I began to feel a sense of discomfort, but it was so slight that I couldn't have put a finger on why or where it was coming from. Brushing it aside, I kept training and rehearsing for upcoming pageants, but what I didn't realize is that slowly I was feeling the sense of inadequacy. The person that I was wouldn't win, so I needed to change things about me until I fit the mold of what they wanted. It wasn't that confidence was lost, but I  changed so much of who I was to become this girl that would please the judges, one that would be "beautiful" on the outside, but looked, talked and acted like someone so different than the person I truly was. Now in the middle of all of this, I probably couldn't have told you that...perhaps I didn't want to admit it, or maybe the excitement and drive to accomplish my goal would have overshadowed that realization, and so it didn't really hit me until one particular morning.

I remember waking up, probably still somewhat half-asleep, and looking into the mirror across the room. Who is that?, I thought ..Wait a minute, that's me. I don't even know who am I anymore.. I didn't recognize the girl behind the mirror staring back at me, and it was at that point that the impact of that thought really clicked. I talked, looked and thought like a totally different person; the girl that was going to compete wasn't me at all, but rather a created "version" of someone who would do what it takes to win. I had allowed so much of who I was to change, and if my entire reasoning for doing this was to positively impact the younger generation, was my current example one worth following? I didn't think so. I felt empty and discouraged. In the middle of wanting to do something worthwhile, I'd lost my purpose and focus..and even my sense of who I truly was.

The dark-haired girl behind the mirror looked back at me that morning, and I realized that in trying to become 'beautiful', I had become like a Barbie doll, beautiful on the outside but hollow within. What mattered most wasn't the color of my hair, the perfect answer, or which gown I chose, but rather the person that I was, and if who I was wasn't good enough or politically correct enough to win the approval of the judges, then perhaps I was chasing the wrong dream.

With a pang of sadness, and little twinge of confusion, I decided to walk away from the pageant training. I had been so sure of this opportunity, and felt that God had opened doors in that area for me, so it was frustrating to see things not working out as I had thought...but that's the thing, I'd only been thinking of my timing and plans, not His. If only I had known that the doors were just about to swing wide open for another opportunity I never saw coming...

to be continued..


Maryl said...

Wow! what a great message. Thank you for being so transparent about your experience and feelings. This is a powerful reminder to be true to who God created us to be and not what the world would say is the way we should be to measure up.

Anonymous said...

suspense is killing me!

A Silver Snapshot said...

Wow this is crazy! Part 3 please! You have such a wonderful writing style, Candice! Happy Saturday!

A Silver Snapshot

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